Ok so it’s happened! It’s the zombie apocalypse. That collection of well thumbed Max Brooks books on your bedside table finally feel as justified a purchase as blogging for dummies!
You’ve got all your high powered automatic and semi-automatic weapons stacked in your survivalists basement fortress filled with enough canned goods to survive a flesh-eating Siberian winter. Right?
Here in Scotland we don’t have the same culture of survivalism and frontiersman like confidence that a lot of our libertarian American counterparts have. And for many fairly sound reasons we don’t have an abundance of incredibly dangerous weaponry at hand. This is a subject that has caused Katie and I, a lot, of animated conversations into the wee small hours after a Walking Dead marathon. I mean we couldn’t outrun a herd right now, hence the personal trainer we’re seeing twice a week from Fitness Soul!
So why even if as some say that Zombies aren’t real (but they are) are we spending so much time and energy rehearsing for a disaster scenario that will never happen? Well lovely people, I put it to you – if you’re prepared for a Zombie apocalypse, you’re prepared for anything! Just about any disaster you can think of! Being this disaster aware and prepared is only going to set you in good stead when Z-day/the big day comes. Knowledge is power as Francis Bacon and Thomas Jefferson were so fond of saying. And in times of crisis this holds especially true.
Now speaking as two people who definitely qualify as larger not all of the items on our preparedness list may be applicable to you but bear with us. We’re going to go into more depth on each point on further posts. We want you guys, each and every one of you to be properly prepared.
So we have our perfect pre-apocalyopse preparation list –
This is an obvious one maybe but if you can’t outrun and OAP on Black Friday, how do you expect to outrun some of your more limber zombies. Let’s face it climbing isn’t a bad idea either. You’re getting an all over body workout as well as some absolutely killer core. Parkour is maybe not a bad place to start if you hate the idea of assaulting the climbing wall week after week. Plus that stuff looks so cool. We’ll be trying out a couple of parkour courses in our upcoming blog.
2. The Exit Strategy
Now before you can even think about the go-bag and weapons etc, the exit strategy might be the thing that saves your bacon. You might, like most people in Scotland, live in a great big castle with a moat in the wilds of the great Highlands. HOWEVER! If you do not have such a great starting advantage to see out the end of times then you might have to get your thinking caps on and come up with a viable series of safe houses or hideouts so that you can ride out the worst of the initial apocalypse. So we personally have a map of Edinburgh and the Lothians and we have a nice list of places depending on where we are that we can got to that are easily defended and/or easily and quickly fortified. Now I’m a wedding photographer and Katie is a primary teacher so between us we’ve visited some amazing places on our safe house z-map. There are literally dozens of castles and fortified medieval homes across the nations capital where we live. Problem is, so many people have probably thought of this already. So you may have to contend with lots of other frightened people when it comes to bunking down in a secluded safe spot on z-day. We have a live map with GPS co-ordinates of suitable places such as clubs, hotels, barns, islands, jails, police stations, monuments, museums etc. You should constantly be surveying your environment with the eyes of a Zombie Apocalypse Survivalist. Personally we’re heading to a private house that belongs to a friend of ours in Fife as it’s isolated, on the coast with big walls and plenty of room to farm. You’ve g
3. The Go-bag!
This is not as absurd as it seems at first glance. Hear me out! If you think about it most people have that drawer in their house that has everything from the matches, batteries, candles, flashlights, possibly even a dusty old first aid kit, right? Well all you’re doing is popping all those things into a strong waterproof case or back pack and making sure you leave in the most accessible place you’re likely to be near when the flesh eating hordes engulf humanity. Appropriate modern go bag contents should include some mixture of – LED torches plural, batteries, first aid kit, mutli-tool, emergency freeze-dried meals in a bag, tough but flexible bite-resistant work gloves, trail cutlery, inflatable solar lanterns for any night excursions for food etc, duct tape/gaffa tape, paracord, Mini SAS Survival Guide, snap kits, wet-wipes, knife and sharpener, high SPF suncream, anti-septic cream, anti-chafe balm, hand-santizer, signal mirror, whistle, hand saw, comprehensive fire starter pouch, extra tough water bottle, water purification tablets, water-purifier straw, camel-back/water-bladder with filter, bin bags, single-use ponchos, radios/walkie-talkies with head-sets or ear pieces, cooking stove, socks, underwear, solar panel charger, tarp, quick release straps for easy dumping in case of snag or grabbed by zombies.
And finally the ones you’ve been waiting for…..
Weapons in a decommissioned firearms culture like the UK aren’t abundant but that’s not to say there is a huge shortage of weapons that are actually going to serve you better and more consistently in the near zombified future. You’d be surprised by how affective the following items can be in a bind for short-range or even close-combat braining of the undead masses in your struggle for survival. #1. Hammer! The claw or balpein hammer are a very common DIY item found in a large amount of house hold tool-kits and happily double as a devastating short range weapon. #2. Hatchet! This is again a short range weapon that is easily carried and designed for repeated skull-splitting use. It will also serve you well in a host of survival situations including making kindling and making firewood. #3 Baseball/Cricket Bat! Sport items are great for surviving zombie infested scenarios. The bat can give you that extra reach in order to keep your body and extremities out of reach. Bear in mind as well there are any number of additional modifications you can add to amp up your weapons intimidation/devastation factor like nails, spikes, blades and broken glass. Don’t be a Negan! Barb wire or razor wire is actually a total drag. The amount of matter that gets stuck on your bat is now a total bio-hazard and is more likely to snag you to a zombie or foe than it is to give you the distance you need to make your escape. #4 Black Widow Sling-shot! This is a pest control weapon for everyone from farmers to….pest control people. With a bag of ball bearings or metal nuts you can do some insane damage at a decent range. Or even if you want to go old school there’s pebbles in almost every garden in the city. #5. The Trusty Wrench! If you have a large wrench this is almost perfect for short range cranial mushing. Plus you can use it to harvest nuts for your slingshot amongst other things! #6. The Sledgehammer! Basically just a big f**k off hammer. If you’re a serious kettle bell fanatic this will be a no-brainer of a weapons choice. #7 Mace/Flail! If you’ve grown up reading about and revelling in the darker-side of dark-ages/medieval weaponry then either one of the above will make an outstanding addition to your arsenal. #8. Crowbar! Probably one of the more common house hold DIY tools you’ll find out there. It’s an incredibly destructive durable close-quarters weapon. #9. Swords! The sword is a perfect zombie slicing tool. You still have to put a good bit of thought into your sword choice however. If you’re going for something traditional like a Claymore you have about 4ft of blade and some serious weight behind it. Tactically this limits you as it’s more for breaking and smashing bones than slicing through armour and flesh. A rapier like blade is a thing of beauty and generally very sharp but may not be as durable as a heavier denser blade like the Claymore. Michonne from The Walking Dead uses a Japanese Katana. This is not just because it’s ice cold. The katana is a weapon that has dominated the Japanese battlefield for a thousand years. Capable of splitting an opponent from throat to groin in a single blow due to its razor sharp cutting edge and flexible yet durable steel composition. It’s an amazing weapon for surviving the zombie apocalypse. Now they are very expensive is the only thing. Some older blades sell of millions and the cheaper ones for a few thousand. But whatever you pay it’s going to serve you well in your war of attrition against the undead horde.
Remember The Walking Dead is back on TV this week. Monday 26th February for us in the U.K. 9pm on Fox. Watch with us and let us know what you’d bring to the zombie apocalypse.